Side Effects

According to Parenting magazine, there are some noticeable side effects in your second trimester of pregnancy. Before we write the magazine to add some firsthand experience, we should validate the claims of the magazine.

Breathlessness- only after a shower or blow drying the hair.
Changing shape- Only getting better!
Emotional Changes- Ummm. Errrrr. Wellllll. I pass.
Bad Dreams- Ashley dreams of Sugar plums and Fairies, nothing more, nothing less.

As for the missing items, a couple come to mind-

Distracted Driving- for reasons aforementioned (see garage door)
Poor Spelling- name on the last boarding pass- asley golia
Territorial- This one is hard to put in perspective, so I secretly hired a 7yr old illustrate the problem. This is a picture of the bed after we fall asleep. It amazes how well the child captured our emotions. Even in our sleep…

Taste

I think a wise man once said that your taste changes with age. I assume “taste” referred to the broader definition and not just the flavor of food. Now that our darling baby is approaching the last 1/3 of her life in the womb, we should probably review how both definitions of “taste” might be changing.

Starting w/ food- There is a really good chance that our baby might come out saying “HOLA MAMI!” Perhaps the cornerstone of our baby’s diet is Mexican food. Bread has been replaced by tortillas, ketchup has become salsa, and burgers are now fajitas. So let this be a warning to everyone in the future- no Margarita’s in the baby bottle…no matter how much she says “es bueno”.

As for the liking for something definition- this part is easy. If People and US magazine were dinner, Facebook would be dessert. They are now a fixed part of the schedule. Entertainment- Housewives and all Housewife spinoffs. Just know that this is Ashley’s way of showing the baby what not to expect.

And affinities for clothing have not changed- only the sizes. Size 2 has been traded in for newborn and 0-3.

pro·tect

Definition according to Webster:
1. to defend or guard from attack, invasion, loss, annoyance, insult, etc.; cover or shield from injury or danger.

Definition according to Ashley:
1. Start with a generous application of SPF 290 applied to entire body.
2. Put on bathing suit that showcases every shade of orange in the Crayola 64 Box, minus apricot.
3. Sunglasses, sun or shade...we guarantee your eyes won't suffer.
4. Oversize visor. Because you can't always trust the 10' Umbrella
5. 10' Umbrella. Because you can't always trust the oversize visor.
6. Towel (Bath) draped over shoulders - Tough one to define, but studies show that extreme sun blocking technology (Ashley Protection) sometimes creates the opposite effect...Arctic Chills.
7. Ice Cold Water (bottle)- for purposes of hydration.

All to keep the baby safe.

Dear Mom and Dad, from Baby

Before we get into the details of my second photo shoot, I thought I would give you an update on my life in the womb.

I know that I heard you both talking about my recent movements. To answer your recent questions; Yes- it is intentional. Yes- it will continue as long as you continue to rent me a room smaller than the puppy quarters. And No- it is not kicking and punching...I am dancing, or better yet rehearsing to the rhythm of life. Your world is much different so when I come out, I want to be stage ready!

So it has been about 5 months since I set up shop in this space. I think we should clear up the misconceptions about my likes/dislikes. For the record:
Likes: Turkey Dogs (all 2 bites worth), Mango (Indian, not Mexican), Ice Cream (any flavor), Mexican Food (Me encanta San Antonio), Root Beer.
Dislikes: My small 1 bedroom apartment, and Lux walking on the roof in my apartment.

Now, regarding my photo shoot- I apologize for not posing face forward. I'll be honest with you- I am still bitter about all the gender confirmations. All you have to do is ask. You ask, I'll tell. No need to look up my tutu.

I look forward to all future sundaes and tacos. Thanks again for the Root Beer float. Love, Baby.

Babies and Us

Not Babies R Us…It should be Babies and Us because we are completely different creatures. One step into that store and you feel like you are walking into the Mos Eisley Cantina (Star Wars reference)…Everyone’s voice raises a few octaves, the pace of travel slows to a crawl and all colors fade into a pink or blue abyss.

And the Pièce de résistance… the bottle section- They have about 30 different nipples! No joke, about 30 different colored, textured and shaped nipples. What is a guy to do? Do you go for the soft and perky or the calm and contoured? Thank goodness I wasn’t there with a bunch of guys; I probably would have left in tears.

One other worthy observation- the marketing of these products is incredible. Every clever brand name has packaging that showcases the world’s cutest and happiest baby. You have no choice but to associate each item with pure bliss. I am jealous. Aside from a perfectly baked chocolate chip cookie, this level of satisfaction is hard to attain.

A few of my favorite brand names- Butt Naked Baby, Dana Undies, Happi Tummi and bumGenius.

A visit to the Xray technician

So what exactly happened last Wednesday you ask? Let’s check the director’s script…Scene 2, Act 2, Take 1- ACTION!

Nurse: I am going to play with the magical Superman X-ray wand for 15 minutes to build the suspense.
Dave: Wow, these measurements and health assessments make me feel much better.
Ashley:(smiles at the camera)
Dave: (winks at the camera, then kisses wife)
Dave: (to nurse) can you tell the sex?
Ashley: (eyebrows lift with anticipation just like a kid about to open the first Xmas gift of the season)
Nurse: I was waiting for you to ask, let’s take a look.
Dave: (Grrrrrrrrr!)
Nurse: (Motions to cameraman to switch angle to “bottom of the toilet looking up” view)
Nurse: If we perform a topography assessment on the pelvic region, you can determine the sex.
Dave: OK, so if we see a tree with a couple shrubs on each side we have a boy?
Nurse: Correct, and I am pleased to inform you that you are now staring…(pause, wait for audience sigh)
Nurse: At…the…Great Plains. You are having a girl!
Dave: Yay! Fantastic!
Ashley: Are you sure?
Nurse: I have been doing this for 24 years and I know what a tree looks like.
Ashley: Are you sure? I work in a baby store and I want to get this right.
Nurse: (sarcastically) hmmm, let me look closer...(pause wait for audience laughter) Yep, it’s a girl!
Ashley: (Finally realizing that she just questioned the Superman wand) Wow! I was sure it was a boy
Ashley: (Realizing that her dreams of a daughter named Leighton have finally come true) Yay!
Dave: Thank you…This was wonderful
Nurse: Here is the bill ($17), don’t forget to tip your waiter.
Ashley: (to Dave) I love you honey
Dave: (to Ashley) I love you dear
Cameraman-(pan out, dim lights, key credits)

All praise aside to those of you with the foresight to peg the “girl” prediction, I do want to acknowledge the kindness and cheer that has filled the air in the Golia/Camp/Kennedy network of family and friends. Thank you all for the good wishes.

Big Week

Not that anyone needs a reminder about this Wednesday’s gender deciding visit to the doc. No silly repartee in this column, for once I am throwing this week’s commentary to the gallery. So don’t pick up the phone and call Ashley with your prediction. I want to record what everyone thinks about what’s cooking in Ashley’s oven. Some people have been non-existent in the blog, thus defying the original intent…To capture thoughts/feelings/reactions in a virtual tape recorder.

By the way, this outfit you are looking at is showcased every day and every night. The classic white tank with flannel PJ pants, circa 1992.