You can feel their eyes looking at you. You hear their
thoughts, their wishes, and their prayers. It sums up to one thing-
please don't let me sit next to that kid for a 4 hour flight.
Please. To the everyday passenger, the sounds of a 23 month old child at
6:45am is not just background noise, it's an annoyance peppered with
provocation. Like a phone ringing in the movie theater, but worse.
This ring has no boundary or volume control. It is one long "noooo"
with several variations in pitch and tempo.
Boarding 1st class is announced. Hmmm. Thought they put the kids on
first? Now boarding priority seating. Hmmm. New game plan-I
take the carry-on, iPads, car seat. Leaving Ashley and lb to board
last. Figured that would be more considerate. I board, stow away
the baggage and buckle in the car seat. A wave of paranoia sweeps though
me- the car seat on top of the airplane seat puts lb's fiery footwork on the
back of the passenger in front. Poor 13f- this guy pulled the losing
ticket for the SAT to PHL flight. Ashley and lb finally board, we strap
her in rather easily. She quickly begins pointing out every known object
in her sight (think I-spy) looking for confirmation in her assessment.
This is immediately followed by a flurry of apologies (from yours truly) to
every surrounding passenger. Much to my surprise, the surrounding
passengers are quite forgiving. Seems like everyone has their flying with
a kid story.
Before we take off, lb starts with the kicking. I see the passenger
eyeing the exit seat in front of him. He politely asks the attendant to
move up. She responds that they are premium seats and not
available. The disappointment in this poor guy was showing on his
sleeve. I jump in and offer to pay for the seat. Actually, I
started out with can I move the car seat to under the plane so she can't Pele
the seat in front. She said no…the person has to complain before they can
move. Time out. Really? Since when has treatment come before
prevention? Even dating back to the days of junior high, the best birth
control is/ was abstinence. Yet this airline is preaching adoption. I
don't get it. After a few timely screams from LB, our attendant got the
point and moved the gentleman. The rest of the flight was a tag team/
musical chairs. If anyone was filming us from behind, the resulting
comedy would have featured an assortment of tools. From goldfish, to rice
cakes, to a Nutragrain bar. We had it and we fed our little chick.
Then came the IPad and puzzles and Mickey Mouse shows. What makes this
especially enjoyable for me is I have a wife that hates flying. Total
anxiety and out of body experience my bride. So compound that anxiety
with our little noise machine and you get rash behavior. I'll leave it at
that to preserve the rest of my vacation (and marriage). By the
end of the flight, I totaled 4 counts of Ashley asked how long it would be
before she could enjoy a spirit of some sort. Soon honey, soon. It
is these particular moments that I wish I could playback every time I come home
from a 14 hour work day and need a beer. Not want, need. Honey, I can honestly
say I know how you are feeling. In the meantime, why don't you grab one
of lb's pacifiers? Kidding, only kidding.
One more thing about the flight-there were three occurrences of surrounding
passengers offering up stories (but I interpret as suggestions) about what to
do with toddlers on a flight. I even heard the granny tell the whiskey in
the milk story. Except her version did not end with a sleeping child, it
ended with granny ordering a couple whiskey milks for herself. “Loopy” was
the word she used. “Loopy”. I thought her glasses were loopy.
They were thicker than my Iphone
There is but one word that could encapsulate the start of
this trip-Fun tastic.
