Measures of Success

As a kid, success was evaluated by the toys you kept. Having no sense of currency, you could look at your closest friend’s playroom to determine how good their life was. Growing up, success has different definitions. Some would cite your relationship with God; others would look at the size of your bank account. Then there is the worldly view of loving and being loved as a barometer for success. The Golia’s are a fan of most any view as long as it recognizes love for furry creatures as well.

Being a parent of a newborn has added a new dimension to success. Also a universal measure, one that parents show off like a rapper would represent his new icy chain. No, it isn’t strollers…though I have seen some that are quite impressive. It is nighttime sleep. And parents wear these badges of honor in their smiles, their laughs and the colors beneath their eyes. You have the 8-10 hour gang, who are envied by all (upper class). The 6-8 hour class (middle) who still receive the occasionally “high five”, but never feel completely satisfied. And finally, the <6 hour crew. Definitely one of the easiest to recognize as evidenced by their half shut eyes, irritable personalities and overall delusional state.

There is a silver lining to the baby sleeping class system (unlike the US academic class model) - you can graduate into a better class. And LB is on the verge of going big time. Good living, here we come!

Fine Dining

This story begins with 2 overconfident parents that had previously taken their baby to a restaurant and had nothing but sleepy time. So why not roll the dice again and try some delicious fine cuisine. It was Friday night and Chilean Sea Bass was calling.

From the moment we sat down, we should have known this wasn’t going to work. First it was the silence of the restaurant; evidently the crowd doesn’t show up at 6:45pm. I asked the DJ (server) if he could play white noise button #4, waterfall but he didn’t catch my humor. Cue baby whimpers. Thought I could order the steak and shrimp, but looks like I am going to have to go with the 5 minute fish, no appetizers. Every server and manager had to stop by to check out their 7 week old guest and to assure us that “a little crying won’t disturb the guests”. I couldn’t help but notice the emphasis on “a little”. Cue baby crying. And the race begins. 1 filet of fish, 3 bites, dinner over. I asked the server for an award for the fastest diner; he wasn’t amused. He asked if we wanted to order the lava cakes that take 10 minutes to cook; I wasn’t amused.

We bolt out of the restaurant, head to the local drive-in burger joint and order two sundaes…I look inside, see the French Fries and plastic forks and a parking lot full of mini-vans. I turn to my beautiful bride- “honey- say hello to date night for the next 10 years”. Baby 2- Parents 0.

Gambled….And Lost

Every parent has this story. The time - 4am, eyes -half shut. The sound machine has transformed the bedroom into the Amazon, with waterfalls echoing in the distance. You wake up the baby because the doctor says you should play by the rules w/ 1 course meals every 3 hours. But prior to 4oz milkshake, you must change the diaper. Normally you have time to work the legs and rock the gas right out of the baby…But at 4am in the rain forest, it is like running a race in the fog.

One of my favorite shortcuts is the “remove the diaper, then wipe, then replace” technique. Instead of the “open the diaper, clean, replace while shielding, clean some more”. The difference is the diaper shield. You can guess what happens next- the changing area turns into a war zone, covered in a poop camouflage. You only have yourself to blame. Baby 1, Dad 0.

Dear Santa

Leighton’s Xmas List,
More diapers with the wetness indicator. Sometimes my wetness goes unnoticed. And that makes me feel wet. And I don’t like being wet.

New PJ’s. I accepted the fact that my wardrobe consists of a few animal themed outfits. And I have also accepted that since I sleep all the time I must wear sleeping attire. But how about a tutu once in a while? Or a skirt? Or a bikini when I bathe? I don’t know why it has to be all (PJ’s) or nothing (bare hinny).

A baby talk translator. Sometimes I cry when I’m wet and you swing me around the room. Sometimes I cry when I am sleepy and you change my diaper. Sometimes I cry when I have gas and you sing me a song. Even though you are right most of the time, I think we should work on those “other” times.

More visitors. Luxy dog is definitely good company. She makes me smile every time I see her goofy face try and jump in the photo. But I really like the family visits. Family time changes the channel to “The Leighton Belle Show”, directed by Leighton Belle, starring Leighton Belle.

Learning

Imagine this picture as a pie chart- what you see is a close depiction of the emotional measures of Miss Leighton. Alert, cheery and perky 2/3 of the time and milk induced comatose for the remainder. I would love to say that Ashley and I found our grove, but every once in a while LB throws the 12-6 curve and leaves us speechless. And to add a little more spit on the ball, we have Lux- who refuses to relinquish the role as the “favorite”.

All the books and preparation did not prevent the insurmountable feelings. We felt like the Hickory High School basketball team attempting to take down South Bend in the Indiana state championship. The good news is that LB’s needs turned out to be relatively basic; Dry diaper, full belly, adequate sleeps, gas relief and a regular dose of TLC.

So Ashley and I will continue to fill these voids, catching the occasional poop (mustard) fastball on the hand. Most of which turns out to be great fodder for the blog. So stay tuned, this can only get better.

Follow-Up to Birthing Gift

Evidently a stuffed doll is better suited for dog chewing, so I had to follow-up with some jewelry. I am still not exactly sure how the doll ended up in the dog's food bowl. This will be one of the great unanswered questions of our lifetime.

Birthing Gift

Tradition says that you should reward your wife with something special. A treasure or keepsake that says "thank you" for the 9 months of pregnancy and the pains incurred during labor and delivery.

After thinking long and hard about this, I decided to focus on the day our daughter was born. I thought a photo was a good idea, but I never came across an image that captured the beauty and happiness for each moment.

So once again, I hired someone. It wasn't a child this time (see July entry "side effects") rather a seamstress. I think she did a pretty decent job even though she ran out of yellow twine.

Heading Home

After a good 48 hours in the hospital, we are heading home. I hope LB enjoys her bedroom and sleeping arrangements. Overall very positive experience with tremendous support. LB has a clean bill of health. Eating every few hours compliments of Ashley.

Leighton + Dad

I don't stand a chance. Clothes, Jewelry, Ice Cream...How will I be able to say no.

First Night

A couple 2 hour snoozes, a couple 1 hour snoozes and now its morning. The Pediatrician stopped by, evaluated and gave no cause for concern. That was better than any morning coffee I've had in 20 years. Ashley is feeling good, sore, but good. Her positive spirits seem to be passing to Leighton and good vibrations (key Beach Boys song) are lifting room 230. Breastfeeding appears to be working- it's all about a healthy latch!

Thanks to all for the good wishes. Ashley is reading your comments and posts every hour. And thanks to all the visitors and phone calls yesterday. We are happy to have you in our lives.

Moving along.

3:04PM- Moved rooms. Much smaller. Ashley is doing fine, almost completely unplugged. She got her 2nd wish moments ago-turkey hoagie and dr. pepper. Polished off the whole thing. Baby Leighton has been in the nursery warming up and bathing. Everything looks good according to the Doc. I will post more pictures once the baby snatchers give her back.

Welcome to our family

12:26pm - Leighton Belle Golia. Mommy and Baby doing wonderful.
18 1/4, 6 lb 15 oz.

The day of days

4:45am wake up – this was really a 2am wakeup. 3 hours sleep down for what will be one of the most intense days of our lives. Good thing I got my McDonalds Ice T (unsweetened) and a delicious dinner last night, compliments of Mrs. Cheryl Kennedy.
5:03am – Ashley finished showering. The dog knows something is going on. Usually the travel bags are a dead giveaway but the house awake during Luxy sleeping time cued the interest level.
5:45am- Bags packed, off to the hospital.
6:07am- Arrive at hospital. Ashley complaining of gas pains all morning. We don’t know if the pain is last night’s beef slider’s sliding out her butt or the baby saying hello.
6:35am- Finished checking in, signing consents- off to room #10.
6:37am- Room #10 is roomy, about 360 square feet w/ a living room (couch and 3 chairs). Walls- institutional colors. If the drugs don’t make you crazy, the color selections will.
6:38am- Met Nurse Sarah. She is our co-pilot for the day. After a quick examination and some more affirmation about what is going to happen throughout the day, we set up the IV.
7:00am- Diagnostics have been established. Baby heartbeat, Ashley blood pressure, et al.
7:30am – Nurse Sarah mentions that she has been pretty regular w/ contractions. Today would have been the day regardless. Evidently the crap pains that she has been having turned out to be contractions. Who knew?
7:35am- Drugs administered to increase contractions.
7:55am- Ashley is worried she might crap the bed. We make a run to the bathroom to be safe. Couple farts and pees later, we are back in the bed.
8:30am- Doc come by- breaks water (took 2 seconds) and gave Ashley the towel diaper.
8:31am- Doc leaves. Damn- she is quick.
8:45am- Cavalry arrives. Kim and Ashley's Mom. Now we have a real support team.
8:50am- Anesthesiologist arrives...Time for the good drugs and time to say goodbye to the pain. We get the boot. Back in 20.
9:15am- We wait an extra 5 minutes. Images of walking into the room where the Doc is probing my wife w/ a sword scares the crap out of me.
9:17am- Back in the room. Evidently it took 2 pokes. Ashley was not happy about this. She has the spine of a finely tuned athlete so says the doc. I wish I was in the room to hear this comment. Toes are tingling. Spirits still high. Now the waiting game begins.
9:29am- I check the spreadsheet. the Peaks and valleys are occurring in closer intervals. Hmmmm.
9:45am- In goes the catheter! No more pee pee for Ashley
9:49am- Cervix check- almost 6 centimeters. Active Labor is upon us.
10:15am- On the menu for today, Ice Chips. Crumbled Ice Chips. Served ala cart in a styrofoam cup.
10:17am- TV turned on. The View...Is a view of my personal hell. I don't know what's worse, watching this or seeing my wife cry.
10:30am- According to Dave's watch, contractions are about 3 minutes apart and lasting about 20-30 seconds. Recalling those precious moments in birthing class, this needs to hit 2-3 minutes and last 60-90 seconds. Yep, I took notes. Taking nominations for birthing partner of the year. Me and my ice chips.
10:45am- I am completely amazed w/ this contraction machine. I am even more fascinated w/ the fact that Ashley has no clue what her body is doing. She could probably come up w/ some interesting dance moves, ala bologna ankles.
10:59am- New visitor. A different nurse. "I am here to assemble the delivery table". I was expecting to see her roll out an arsenal. Pretty simple presentation though- lots of towels and gauze.
11:04am- HOLY COW! 10 CENTIMETERS! GAME ON! Time to call the doc.

Parenting 101

3 books down and 1 birthing class complete. Biggest takeaways-

Do-
Establish your baby's routine.
In the first 7-10 days, focus on a full feeding.
Baby's need to burp.
Monitor your baby's growth.
Maintain primacy of husband-wife relationship...all other relationships in the home are impacted by the health and success of the husband-wife relationship.

Don't-
Mix adult drinks in the baby bottle. Effects can be damaging (see above).

Please feel free to offer some of your own advice. We are continuously looking to improve.

Unanswered questions

Now that we have reached the pinnacle of our pregnancy, it is time to address some of the more burning questions of the days to come.

What will LB look like? Will she exhibit Ashley’s debonair? Blonde hair? Blue Eyes? Or will the Italian pass down to yet another generation? My only request is 2 eyes, 1 nose, 1 mouth and 10 fingers and toes.

How will LB act? Will she display high levels of zeal (see Lux)? Or will the Ashley gene of “please keep your voices down” prevail? I sense (and hope) for the calm and collected baby.

What will Lux do? All of the toys that exhibit the “do not lick” sign already have her confused. But sharing the backseat? Changing her sleeping patterns? Not being the #1? This could be a roller coaster ride for the ages.

During labor- How many times will Ashley curse at Dave? I can smell a “you did this to me” coming out more than once.

And finally- When Ashley leaves the hospital, what will be served for dinner? My guess- Cheese Dog, French Fries and a Dr. Pepper.

On Call

T minus 270 has quickly become T minus 30. Each holler from the other room is greeted by an immediate “what”? “Is it time”? “Did you make a puddle?” I find myself clinging to the phone- in work, in the car, even in the bathroom. This heightened sense of awareness carries over to sleep time too. Nights are shorter and the bed is smaller and more sensitive to motion. Even the dog knows something is up -she is chilling on the floor now for most of the night.
Most common question we hear these days- are you ready?
Baby room (above)- check
Car Seat- check
Bottles- check
Extra perky bottle nipples- check
Box of chocolate chip cookies – check
I guess it is time to pack a bag. I hope there is room for my cookies.

Birthing class

3½ hours of life that we will never get back. This was bad. Probably the low point of the pregnancy to date. And it was not due to lack of commitment or focus on our part; this was straight up poor instruction. After sitting through this class, I understood why schools have parent/teacher night- less for progress reporting, more for the parents to check out the talent that will shape their kids intellectual future. I wish we could have seen the coming attractions with this Lord of the Classroom. We would have turned left into Barnes and Knoble instead.

Our only take away from the class was TACO. TACO = Time, Amount, Color and Odor. These details are needed by the Doc to determine how fast you need to drive on the highway if the levee breaks. (Side note to Ashley- another reason why I always need a fast car).

What made it so bad? Simple- we were misled. This class was less instructional and more team building…Except the Doc was thinking tribe and we were thinking tepee. She wanted the entire class of 14 pregnant couples to be best friends. So we spent the first HOUR breaking up into two teams (Male and Female) to debate the pros and cons of pregnancy. This is too good to make up. We had the flip charts and the magic markers (strawberry scented) and we went to town. I wanted to contribute, but most of the guys pro’s were my con’s. Alien stomach movements is just one example of the many disconnects. I am not ashamed to admit…I guess I have seen too many movies

Arts and Crafts

Multiple choice question for our readers:
Ashley designed a barrette holder for Leighton. After several changes to color, ribbon, letter and jewel placement, the final product came out as shown. Which area in the house do we hang this work of art?

A. Leighton's bedroom
B. Leighton's closet
C. Leighton's dresser drawer
D. Lux's bedroom
E. The Garage

Please consider all options carefully before choosing.
P.S. Take note of the curiosity in Lux's eyes. Barrette holder = dinner.

A visit to the Pediatrician

The first visit to our baby’s medical caregiver was another eye opening experience. We walked into a room with about 8 other Prego’s and men in tow. The mood- auspicious, yet tenacious…These girls had lists of questions with answers already in their heads. What should have been an informative, doctor lead discussion turned into a Q&A session riddled with showboating and ignorance.

From the clueless- Can we use baby powder? Can I put my baby on an airplane in 2 weeks? What is the best bottle?

From the experts – Will you accept a temperature from temporal thermometer? Should all baby handlers have TDAP?

From the Golia’s- Like spectators at a zoo- we just sat back and enjoyed the monkeys and the penguins.

The Dr. poured through a list of topics (10+) for over 90 minutes. A few of my favorites- Billing (you will be billed for all services rendered, let us know if you get confused by the volume and severity), Making Appointments (well vs. sick appointments and the difference between the two) and the Pièce de résistance – the Routine Vaccine Schedule…Holy cow there is a shot for everything! Only thing that is missing is a prescription for “I fell off the counter and bumped my head” and “I ate a nickel and pooped a quarter”.

P.S. Our doctor’s name is Benbow (sounds like Bimbo).

Belly Buttons!

Belly buttons are like opinions- everyone has one. And like opinions, all belly buttons are different…Some are large, some are small. There are Innies, Outies, Hairies, Fuzzies, Smellies and Stinkies – heck it will soon be an accessory on the next round of Barbie dolls. But did you know the belly button (clinically known as the umbilicus) is actually a scar. Yep a scar.

In the image above, we have Ashley’s umbilicus. Once an innie, now an outie. Perhaps only a partial outie. Or perhaps the partial pop is a signal that the turkey isn’t fully done? Who would have thought the belly button was nature’s thermometer…the internal indicator that determines when it is time to take the bun out of the oven! More to come on this belly button- we are going to track this bad boy like Santa on Xmas.

The belly rules the mind

This quote comes from Spanish proverb. I wonder if the Spaniards had an Ashley in the picture when they recorded this on their piece of papyrus. I was thinking about carving my own proverb into the local sidewalk. Perhaps something like “An empty belly on a pregnant girl is doom” or maybe “ye be warned when dinner is not ready by 7”. Ok, so the last one sounded like a quote from Goonies, but the warning is real unlike the treasure of one-eyed Willy.

To complete this vision, I want to tell you a tale of hunger. It starts with a cheerful husband and pregnant wife. The time of this short story- 7:04pm. Setting- our home. The dialogue- in not so many words:

Wife- I am hungry
Husband- Let me start cooking
Wife- OK, as long as you don’t talk, watch TV, or breathe before you start. I want to enjoy a nice meal at the dinner table. Now would be a great time.
Husband- Lets grill some hamburgers
Wife- Lets stop talking and start eating
Husband- (15 minutes later)- Burgers didn’t work out (accidently burnt), lets try some grilled chicken sandwiches
Wife- Are they instant chicken sandwiches?
Husband- No, they require preparation.
Wife- A female Praying Mantis will bite the head off of her mate after sex. Imagine what happens when she is hungry.
Husband- Pass the spatula.

Going Out

What used to be a cornerstone of the Golia Household is now an area of contention. I don’t think it is the act of getting into the automobile that causes the controversy. Nor do I attribute the problems to our choice of company. I think it starts with the beverage selection. Take last night for example. Great party, good friends, and a cooler full of suds. The first exchanges of the evening sounded something like this-

Ashley- Honey, will you grab me a drink?
Dave- (Looking down at cooler filled of Miller, Coors, et al)- You have a couple choices sweetie- Vitamin D enriched Pineapple Juice, Organic Vegetable Juice or a passion fruit smoothie.
Ashley- Wow, this party is so pregnancy friendly.
Dave- (holding a smile) - Yeah, but I would recommend a Poland Spring, on the rocks.
Ashley- You are terrible.

Well, we eventually got past the limited beverage selection (landed on a Sprite/Cranberry mix) and then we entered what I call the “are you ready” time zone. Typically this comes around 1 to 2am or when the fridge empties (whatever comes first). Lately, this time has left late night TV and is now competing with Wheel of Fortune. To better illustrate this time, I captured an exchange occurring last night-

Ashley – (not saying anything, executes a perfect “are you ready” look at 8:45pm)
Dave- (acknowledging the look, glances at watch and executes a “it is still Miller time” smile)
Ashley- (looks at the Dave’s bottle, glances at bottom and looks back up to Dave)
Dave- (realizes that he is enjoying his final beer of the night, quickly grabs a bottle of whisky, pours shots and toasts to the birthday boy)
Ashley- (realizing that her look needs to be changed to include all beverages)- Happy Birthday, we are leaving.

Thank you

To our friends and family, your generosity was very much appreciated. LB is lucky to have you all in her life. And thank you for taking care of our dear Ashweeee in Atlanta!

Because of your thoughtfulness-
LB has a full closet of clothes that rivals her Mom's collection.
Gladys will watch over LB’s every move.
Toys, Toys, Toys!
Books, Books, Books! - Everything from “the giving tree” to “where’s the poop?”

And to our parents…A very special thanks for the love you have shared.
P.S. I couldn't help but notice the Atlanta Braves outfit. Evidently someone has a sense of humor.

Now on the platform...

We have LB. She will be attempting a forward 2 1/2 in the pike position. Degree of difficulty, 2.1.
And based on the pictures above, the judges have made the following assessment:

Approach (not shown) - LB stood in the starting position on the front end of the board. Body was straight, head was erect (particularly amazing given the lack of muscle tone), and heels together just like Dorthy as she prayed "there is no place like home".

Take-off (also not shown) - The hurdle to the end of the board, flawless. Both baby feet hit the end of the board simultaneously; the take-off showed no fear.

Execution - In the passage through the air, LB exhibited a perfect closed pike position through the somersaults (see second image).

Entry- Vertical. But not before giving a wink to the crowd.
Judges Score- 9.7

Home Stretch

In a typical horse race, this is a period of approximately 25 seconds when the thoroughbreds tear through the last turn on the way to the finish line. For a pregnancy, it’s the 3rd trimester which lasts another 13 weeks. Even with the end still in the distance, preparation for the final rose ceremony grows with intensity.

So what have we learned through the first 2/3 of the race? The art of substitution.

It starts with substituting the latest Nicholas Sparks novel with an owner’s manual to a happy and healthy pregnancy. After that, it was like watching your life go through a renovation…The bed becomes a crib, gray becomes pink, sandwiches turn into salads and Miller Lite becomes Vodka and Water (hold the vodka).

So what is going to be like when we start substituting the harder things? Like sleep and Saturday nights? It can’t be that bad when you consider what you are getting in return. LB.

Side Effects

According to Parenting magazine, there are some noticeable side effects in your second trimester of pregnancy. Before we write the magazine to add some firsthand experience, we should validate the claims of the magazine.

Breathlessness- only after a shower or blow drying the hair.
Changing shape- Only getting better!
Emotional Changes- Ummm. Errrrr. Wellllll. I pass.
Bad Dreams- Ashley dreams of Sugar plums and Fairies, nothing more, nothing less.

As for the missing items, a couple come to mind-

Distracted Driving- for reasons aforementioned (see garage door)
Poor Spelling- name on the last boarding pass- asley golia
Territorial- This one is hard to put in perspective, so I secretly hired a 7yr old illustrate the problem. This is a picture of the bed after we fall asleep. It amazes how well the child captured our emotions. Even in our sleep…

Taste

I think a wise man once said that your taste changes with age. I assume “taste” referred to the broader definition and not just the flavor of food. Now that our darling baby is approaching the last 1/3 of her life in the womb, we should probably review how both definitions of “taste” might be changing.

Starting w/ food- There is a really good chance that our baby might come out saying “HOLA MAMI!” Perhaps the cornerstone of our baby’s diet is Mexican food. Bread has been replaced by tortillas, ketchup has become salsa, and burgers are now fajitas. So let this be a warning to everyone in the future- no Margarita’s in the baby bottle…no matter how much she says “es bueno”.

As for the liking for something definition- this part is easy. If People and US magazine were dinner, Facebook would be dessert. They are now a fixed part of the schedule. Entertainment- Housewives and all Housewife spinoffs. Just know that this is Ashley’s way of showing the baby what not to expect.

And affinities for clothing have not changed- only the sizes. Size 2 has been traded in for newborn and 0-3.

pro·tect

Definition according to Webster:
1. to defend or guard from attack, invasion, loss, annoyance, insult, etc.; cover or shield from injury or danger.

Definition according to Ashley:
1. Start with a generous application of SPF 290 applied to entire body.
2. Put on bathing suit that showcases every shade of orange in the Crayola 64 Box, minus apricot.
3. Sunglasses, sun or shade...we guarantee your eyes won't suffer.
4. Oversize visor. Because you can't always trust the 10' Umbrella
5. 10' Umbrella. Because you can't always trust the oversize visor.
6. Towel (Bath) draped over shoulders - Tough one to define, but studies show that extreme sun blocking technology (Ashley Protection) sometimes creates the opposite effect...Arctic Chills.
7. Ice Cold Water (bottle)- for purposes of hydration.

All to keep the baby safe.

Dear Mom and Dad, from Baby

Before we get into the details of my second photo shoot, I thought I would give you an update on my life in the womb.

I know that I heard you both talking about my recent movements. To answer your recent questions; Yes- it is intentional. Yes- it will continue as long as you continue to rent me a room smaller than the puppy quarters. And No- it is not kicking and punching...I am dancing, or better yet rehearsing to the rhythm of life. Your world is much different so when I come out, I want to be stage ready!

So it has been about 5 months since I set up shop in this space. I think we should clear up the misconceptions about my likes/dislikes. For the record:
Likes: Turkey Dogs (all 2 bites worth), Mango (Indian, not Mexican), Ice Cream (any flavor), Mexican Food (Me encanta San Antonio), Root Beer.
Dislikes: My small 1 bedroom apartment, and Lux walking on the roof in my apartment.

Now, regarding my photo shoot- I apologize for not posing face forward. I'll be honest with you- I am still bitter about all the gender confirmations. All you have to do is ask. You ask, I'll tell. No need to look up my tutu.

I look forward to all future sundaes and tacos. Thanks again for the Root Beer float. Love, Baby.

Babies and Us

Not Babies R Us…It should be Babies and Us because we are completely different creatures. One step into that store and you feel like you are walking into the Mos Eisley Cantina (Star Wars reference)…Everyone’s voice raises a few octaves, the pace of travel slows to a crawl and all colors fade into a pink or blue abyss.

And the Pièce de résistance… the bottle section- They have about 30 different nipples! No joke, about 30 different colored, textured and shaped nipples. What is a guy to do? Do you go for the soft and perky or the calm and contoured? Thank goodness I wasn’t there with a bunch of guys; I probably would have left in tears.

One other worthy observation- the marketing of these products is incredible. Every clever brand name has packaging that showcases the world’s cutest and happiest baby. You have no choice but to associate each item with pure bliss. I am jealous. Aside from a perfectly baked chocolate chip cookie, this level of satisfaction is hard to attain.

A few of my favorite brand names- Butt Naked Baby, Dana Undies, Happi Tummi and bumGenius.

A visit to the Xray technician

So what exactly happened last Wednesday you ask? Let’s check the director’s script…Scene 2, Act 2, Take 1- ACTION!

Nurse: I am going to play with the magical Superman X-ray wand for 15 minutes to build the suspense.
Dave: Wow, these measurements and health assessments make me feel much better.
Ashley:(smiles at the camera)
Dave: (winks at the camera, then kisses wife)
Dave: (to nurse) can you tell the sex?
Ashley: (eyebrows lift with anticipation just like a kid about to open the first Xmas gift of the season)
Nurse: I was waiting for you to ask, let’s take a look.
Dave: (Grrrrrrrrr!)
Nurse: (Motions to cameraman to switch angle to “bottom of the toilet looking up” view)
Nurse: If we perform a topography assessment on the pelvic region, you can determine the sex.
Dave: OK, so if we see a tree with a couple shrubs on each side we have a boy?
Nurse: Correct, and I am pleased to inform you that you are now staring…(pause, wait for audience sigh)
Nurse: At…the…Great Plains. You are having a girl!
Dave: Yay! Fantastic!
Ashley: Are you sure?
Nurse: I have been doing this for 24 years and I know what a tree looks like.
Ashley: Are you sure? I work in a baby store and I want to get this right.
Nurse: (sarcastically) hmmm, let me look closer...(pause wait for audience laughter) Yep, it’s a girl!
Ashley: (Finally realizing that she just questioned the Superman wand) Wow! I was sure it was a boy
Ashley: (Realizing that her dreams of a daughter named Leighton have finally come true) Yay!
Dave: Thank you…This was wonderful
Nurse: Here is the bill ($17), don’t forget to tip your waiter.
Ashley: (to Dave) I love you honey
Dave: (to Ashley) I love you dear
Cameraman-(pan out, dim lights, key credits)

All praise aside to those of you with the foresight to peg the “girl” prediction, I do want to acknowledge the kindness and cheer that has filled the air in the Golia/Camp/Kennedy network of family and friends. Thank you all for the good wishes.

Big Week

Not that anyone needs a reminder about this Wednesday’s gender deciding visit to the doc. No silly repartee in this column, for once I am throwing this week’s commentary to the gallery. So don’t pick up the phone and call Ashley with your prediction. I want to record what everyone thinks about what’s cooking in Ashley’s oven. Some people have been non-existent in the blog, thus defying the original intent…To capture thoughts/feelings/reactions in a virtual tape recorder.

By the way, this outfit you are looking at is showcased every day and every night. The classic white tank with flannel PJ pants, circa 1992.

The official top 10 list...

Benefits to having a baby on the way (first 5 today):

Baby Meds (Butt Paste) - because society still hasn’t accepted itching your hinny in public- apply a little cream and be happy.

Ice Cream - Oh! I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! In the land of ice and snows, Up among the Eskimos, There's a college known as Ogiwawa! You should hear those college boys, Gee, they make an awful noise, When they sing an Eskimo tra-la-la!

Emergency napping - occurs when you are suddenly very tired and cannot continue with the activity you were originally engaged in. Activities that can drive this behavior include but are not limited to: waking up, standing up, showering, walking, et al. This type of nap can be used to combat drowsy driving or fatigue.

Picking names- At this point, everything and nothing is on the table. But getting a good chuckle after every Luciano, Luigi and Mario makes my day. What can I say, I want to have my own pizza kitchen someday and I need the names to match it.

Playing “who can grow the belly faster” game- Right now I am losing. But I am not giving up. Breakfast- Chocolate Chip pancakes, Lunch – Cheese Dogs, Dinner – Burritos!

From Lux to Baby.

Dear baby without a name,
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lux and I am the family dog. Before I touch on the house rules, I thought I should tell you a few things about my life.

I enjoy sleeping just as much as you. My crib has been on order for 4 years, so I’ve been told. I hear you might be getting one in 4 months. Don’t hold your breath.

Eating is also a hobby, but my choices are limited. This is where you can really help…People say don’t play with your food. I say play/throw/drop anything! Spills- No Problem. Cheerios- Love them.

Been walking since day 1…I don’t say that to be challenging, just want you to know that I am an expert. Running- check. Just say the word.

As for the house rules-
Rule#1 – Only 2 people and one dog can occupy a bed. The combinations do not matter, 3 is company but 4 is a crowd. I don’t like crowds.
Rule #2 – When you extend your hand, we shake.
Rule #3 – doorbells and other dogs make me bark. Don’t complain- it’s for your protection.
Rule #4 - when we ride in the car together the windows stay down. When you are older, you will understand.
Rule #5- Sofa’s are for dogs too. Nothing is off-limits.
I look forward to a long healthy relationship. Enjoy the photo.
Love, Lux

4 1/2 Inches, 3 1/2 ounces

Now the size of an avocado. At 16 weeks, baby movements may be felt by Ashley. According to the books, the earliest movements feel like gas bubbles. I find this interesting because Ashley has already turned our home into the horns section of the San Antonio symphony. I guess we have future athlete on the way.

Hard to believe we are almost at the halfway point in this pregnancy. Marty and Cheryl sent us a Discovery DVD that details conception to birth. All the baby books in the world can't compare to the actual images of this miracle. The hardest thing for me to grasp is the actual size of these babies at birth. I look at our 'lil Ashley and the math does not compute. And the delivery itself- the experts really tagged it perfectly when they called it "labor".

Put on your Sunday clothes...

Because we are going to Sears! I wonder if our little one knew this as he/she posed for the first official photograph. I apologize for the viewing challenge. 2 inch figures viewed through pea sized cameras typically limit the color and shape reproduction. However, Ashley promises to get a wave to the family for the next series of photographs. Though my money is on the "I am sleeping in a hammock look".

We've got a couple important dates to look forward to. May 24th and June 9th. According to the books, gender can be determined around the 17th week. I don't think the fancy HD camera was scheduled for this date, but we may get lucky and find out something. June 9th for sure. So will Mama Kennedy get her wish for another granddaughter? Or will Grandpop Leanord and Grandpop Bob be fighting over the future allegiance of their grandsons favorite baseball team? Only time will tell.

Super Saver

This isn't a story about getting a good deal at your local supermarket. Nor is it a lecture about the new wave of 529 plans designed to cover that future 300K tuition bill in 2030. I am talking about the 2010 Kentucky Derby winner "Super Saver".

For the 4th consecutive year, the Golia's blew it out for the most famous horse race of the year. Baby Golia had a good time watching everyone else consume bubbly drinks all while feasting on mass quantities of natural fruit juice and whole grain snacks. Who needs Coca Cola marinated baby back ribs when you can enjoy a nice piece of whole wheat toast?

Anyways, as the horses took to the starting gates I couldn't help but notice the unique naming convention used for thoroughbreds. Starting with a "Homeboykris" only to be followed up with others like "Awesome Act", "Lookin At Lucky", "Sidney's Candy" and "Devil May Care". So my question for the group- is it time to start a new trend where including adjectives, verbs, nouns or conjunctions in our children's names becomes the standard? Sound silly? Not to the original owners of the land you are occupying. I would be willing to bet that a "Dances with Wolves" or "Kicking Bird" once hunted the space you now call the "backyard". Why didn't America adopt this cool tradition? Imagine that first day of school- the teacher is pouring through the names of his/her future nightmares...Starting with Timmy, then Mary, then Mike...and then the teacher sees it- "Work Ethic". Can you say deans list?

What is that mysterious figure?

No I am not talking about the frog vase that has yet to hold a plant. And no I am not referring to our LUX-osaurus Rex tearing into another chew toy (wait- that is UGA!).

That figure is our dear Ashley. And she is growing!

This picture challenges world renown research by an acclaimed astrophysicist which spent 10 years of his life only to conclude that two objects cannot occupy the same space (Pauli exclusion). Try and explain that theory to a five year old while looking at the next pregnant girl.

So what you are seeing in the picture above is an "Ashley" and a "baby" sharing space together. So riddle me this Mr. Wolfgang Pauli- maybe the atoms and electrons aren't converging, but right now they are hanging out in the same house, sitting in the same chair, eating the same mint chocolate chip ice cream, reading the same People magazine...just about to take a nap at the same time.

I should write a book on this topic...The Golia inclusion! Too bad only five year olds will buy it :(

Daddy! Can I have some ice cream?!?!

Those kinds of questions will fill the air of the Golia household in the next few years. I wonder how we will react to such requests.

Growing up, certain items were forbidden (sugar cereals, soda, candy, etc) and others were made available only when vegetables were consumed (ice cream, cookies, etc).

But here is the problem as I see it- I love ice cream. I love milkshakes. I love cookies. I love chocolate milk. I just forget about them most of the time. So what happens when our child reminds me of our affinity to delicious snacks? Do I say "no" because it probably isn't good for a person of any size to consume a 1000 calorie treat? Or do I gratefully say "yes", because who wouldn't want to enjoy a brownie sundae.

My little lemon...

Dear son/daughter without a name,
Now that you are about to turn 12 weeks old, we should celebrate your accelerated growth rate. In less than a few weeks, you have grown from an olive to a lemon. Wow!

Your diet is changing by the day...Last week it was Mexican with a fruit flare, this week it is Tastykakes (thanks to a wonderful Philadelphia gift pack from Yvonne and Tim) and String Cheese.

If there is one thing that hasn't changed, it is your love for the couch and laying in bed. Even at 12 weeks old, you have developed a love for People and US magazine. And like many others in your generation- Facebook is your news source. You were involved in your first auto accident...Still trying to find the at-fault part here. Current suspects include:
Ashley
The trash can
The recycle bin
The garage door
The trunk opener
You.
As far as I'm concerned, you are innocent. But that is up to the USAA claims department. Let's just be happy we have accident forgiveness.

November 2 Birthday Astrology

According to how stuff works.com, our childs life/personality is predetermined. I am not sure how to react to this, so I will save the comments for you.

Scorpios born on November 2 are stubborn individuals who possess emotional and spiritual stamina. Although they often seem quiet and introspective, they are fighters who support the status quo and expect it to support them. Every emotional scene in their lives is high drama. They do not enjoy being disagreed with and so often get their way.

People born on this date are intensely loyal to their friends and demand similar loyalty. There are a great many control issues with them, which can be a challenge. In love, they can be very jealous. They love deeply so may not be aware of how controlling they can seem, even to those who love them in return.

Like many Scorpios, November 2 people are plugged into childhood memories. The past is not dead to them -- it affects their lives every day. Though they want to see their children become independent, they may be clinging and demanding. This is usually done out of love, yet it can create a rift between parent and child.

People born on this date are iconoclasts when it comes to their health. They understand the value of exercise and proper eating and generally obey these rules, but on their own terms. They enjoy solitary sports such as running or hiking. They pursue these interests less for physical exercise than for a need to be alone with their thoughts.

People born on this date have talent for acting, speech making, speech writing, teaching, and creative work. They are often religious and may seek to work within their faith. Money rarely tempts them to do something they prefer not to do. They're dedicated to ideas, not their pocketbook. Because they prefer to live simply, they may appear parsimonious. In truth, they're generous.

2 centimeters

Yep. 2 centimeters. That is what a 9 week old fetus measures. 1 Green Olive! I was tempted to ask for weight, but I didn't think the doctor would take me serious.

Today parenthood became much more real...And to be honest, I don't think it was the sight of the little morsel, or the 180 beat heart rate. It was the doctor saying- Are you ready to see your baby? Just hearing the concept of "baby" and "us" in the same sentence, spoken by the authority in babies- Wow. It was like hearing the manager look down the dugout telling us to take the field for our first big league game. Sure we have watched from the bleachers and shook the players hands- but now we field line drives and hit 88 mph sliders ala Brad Lidge. Different view would be an understatement.

So going back to size and structure- eyes/fingers/toes are present. See image (not ours of course). I couldn't help but wonder if the baby will be blessed with my amazing fingers and toes. Not that Ashley's are bad, its just that mine are better.

Oh- we also have the date- November 2nd. The next post, i will dive into what that means according to the stars (in the sky). I should mention that Daniel Boone was born that day. As was Nelly. I call that good company.

Warning! Caution! Alert!

The warning label...Does anyone really read the warning label? You do if your wife is pregnant. You can not imagine how many items are prohibited for a pregnant woman. Our latest encounter was with a gallon of paint. We are in the process of making our house more presentable, and my wife being the trooper that she is, thought it would be fun to join in on the painting.

At first I thought she wanted to play out some fantasy with the neighborhood painter (me), however upon further review, it was obvious that her intentions were honorable. Back to the labels and paint- VOC's (Volatile Organic Compounds) are bad news bears for ladies with the hump.

Other items/events that warrant a "do not pass go" card in case you were interested:

Roller Coasters - this one breaks our heart.

Drinking- obvious reasons

Raw or Seared Seafood- bacteria and parasites

Rare meat- another game changer for the Golia household

Hot Dogs or deli meat- preservatives, nitrates...I guess the corner stand in Athens will have to wait.

So if you happen to run into my wife, please do not offer her a beer and sushi on the roller coaster. Instead- stick to the merry-go-round and milkshakes. She won't be disappointed, I promise.

The reverse

I am a firm believer in reverse psychology to make things happen. How does this work? Why does it apply to the blog you ask?

Prior to and during any competitive event, I will offer kind words of support/encouragement for my opponent all while beating on you know who. The goal is to position yourself as the loser before it even starts. This is the reverse psychology...instead of telling a person they can't win, you tell them they will win- and this false sense of confidence reeks havoc in all play.

Ashley has been on a name kick for the past 2 weeks, and all talks have been on girls names. Sure I offer the occasional jab for fun, only because I know that a future concession is in order. But what Ashley doesn't realize is that the more we discuss females, the more likely we are to see a Tony or Timmy.

Taking out the trash

Ash stubbed her toe today on the trash. Actually, I think she dropped a trash bag on her foot. I couldn't help but wonder if the pain would transfer to the rain drop sized fetus. Or if she ended up injuring her foot causing a permanent limp, how would that affect our kid? Balance, equilibrium- these are not to be taken lightly. I would hate to think that our child might stumble on simple walking exercises. Or even worse, did we just ruin our opportunity to breed the finely tuned athlete. I admit, the thought of seeing "Golia" on the back of a jersey again makes me smile, and I would hate to cross soccer off the list so early because Ash can't take out the trash.

Wow, you are hungry!

Dear unborn child- your diet today was nothing short of spectacular. Opening the day with some cheese toast, snacking on a fiber one bar and cheese curls. A lean cuisine meal containing Italian food not from Italy. Finishing up with some Sloppy Joe and crystal light. Ice cream is about to come your way even though you didn't ask for it...I love it when my server thinks ahead like that!

Looks like you want to lay down before hitting your next course. The way you manage your landlord is quite amazing. I apologize for the American Idol background music- you deserve better.

And it begins...

Today marks the day when I officially begin recording the future birth of my first child. My wife does not know that I am writing this, though she suspects a diary is in the works. As of today, we are 7 days since the + sign graced our popsicle stick and now we are counting the days. Following extensive research on google (how many days in a typical pregnancy?), I landed on the 270. Is it too much? Hard to say right now. March 25 will give us better insight on the "due date" or what I like to call the "you better have your shit in order" day.

All kidding aside, this blog will remain anonymous until all family members are notified which should happen around day 85ish. At which time, the blog will be revealed...And like the DaVinci code or the falsely accused, the truth shall set us free. For now, I will continue to enjoy the doctors visits in secrecy; I will poke fun at my wifes constant feeling of tiredness; I will enjoy my subsequent laziness due to the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" philosophy of fighting; I will enjoy all late night snacks and ice cream sundaes because why should anyone have to eat alone?

Thank you all for listening, and if my unborn child is reading this - please know that I am thinking of you every day.